last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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