I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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