I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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