Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
