dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
