You kept calling me your small dog last night.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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