Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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