And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I supernannyed him into submission
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