Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left