Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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