There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I touched a dick in church today
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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