I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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