dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
