My nipple is on Facebook.
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
