I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
