Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
