Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
