I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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