I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
