I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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