I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
