It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize