She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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