There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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