Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
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You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
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You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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