I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Randomize
