I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
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I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
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I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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