Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Randomize