my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
