Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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