Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
