I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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