I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
