some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
