I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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