help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
