The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
