The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Randomize
