You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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