I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
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