I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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