I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
