I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
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She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
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Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
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