Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
