The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
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I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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