Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
