i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
