someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
