Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
