someone threw a dead crab at me
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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