she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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