Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
