Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
